I Feel Just Like Dorothy

"if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!"

The gate has been locked since we moved in. We didn't have a key. Water gurgled and splashed beyond the fence, but we had no way to get there. One day I said to Brad, "Just unbolt the latch from the wood and buy a new one."

What we discovered there is a true miracle in our lives. Lush, cool, with towering cottonwoods. The water is just cold enough to give me shivers when I first put my toes in. The birds flitter back and forth. This is luxury beyond belief in the desert of Nevada. And it was there all along.

Sit Among Your Flowers

Getting down low, eye-to-eye with your beauties, literally changes your perspective. Get a chair or a blanket and pull up as close as you practically can. By settling in comfortably you will have time to not only enjoy this world close up, but see how it works more thoroughly. You can watch a honeybee gather pollen, flitting from one blossom to the next. You'll notice any infestations that need attention. You'll be thrilled to see minute buds just starting to form on the tomatoes, imagining how good they'll taste a month from now. You'll inhale the mint and basil at nose level. The whole world looks different at that angle.

Compare photos taken looking down on the plants and looking directly at them. See how much different they appear (at the same camera settings). The ones on the right are distant and harsh, the left ones are soft and enjoyable. Even without a camera, your eyes will do the same thing.

Don't Ever Do This

Brad and I were taking our evening walk around the neighborhood. Almost home, I stopped because there was an unusual hissing noise coming from the next door neighbor's bushes. "What's that sound?" I said, as I started poking around, reaching my hand toward the plants.

"Oh, it's just the water system coming on," Brad figured it out before me.

"Oh, right." I agreed as I retracted my hand and we continued on home.

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Maybe two weeks later I'm walking alone passed the same house. I noticed a spine of an animal in the street. I kept walking, thinking since it was trash day, probably someone's fish dinner got pulled apart by dogs or coyotes in the neighborhood. I pretty much dismiss the whole thing.

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The very next day, same spot, I walk past the same torn apart animal. I take a good six or seven steps beyond where it was and my mind flashes like lightening--that was a snake! I saw a piece of the distinctive diamond pattern skin laying nearby. I couldn't resist returning and inspecting it more closely. Yep--definitely a rattler. And that's when the foolishness of my hand reaching into the bushes at that very same spot became crystal clear to me.

What Would Jesus Buy?

Watched this documentary produced by Morgan Spurlock (SuperSize Me) about Reverend Billy, who spent the month before Christmas driving from NY to SF, trying to convince people not to buy stuff. He is accompanied by his wife and his chorus (The Church of Stop Shopping), who support him. I could really feel their true conviction; their heartfelt appeal to the public, to not get sucked into the corporate ideology of consumerism.

See this movie.

Walking Together

If you want to change your relationship with your partner, in a positive way, start walking together daily. Have a regular appointment and a regular route, so you both know what's expected and you're both accountable for doing it.

Since his surgery, Brad's been a little slower than usual, but now we are back walking the whole two miles almost every day. But it's not just the physical, health-related, reason that makes it important to us. It's the time to connect. Sometimes we talk about little things on our minds, sometimes I tell him stories from books I read, sometimes he vents about work, sometimes we dream big about our future plans. Sometimes we don't talk at all, just looking around and striding side-by-side in harmony.

A chance to have 40 minutes every day, devoted to nothing but us, is a blessing.

What's Good Today?

I'm a slow waker. On purpose. I love that dreamy half wake morning feeling and I prolong it as much as possible. I'm not in a bad mood; I am just transitioning. As opposed to Brad, who is a chipper waker. He jumps out of bed with a smile, ready to attack the day. Which is fine by me, because I get the whole warm bed to myself. Until he comes back in with my tea and the computer (which is wonderful), and wants to talk. That's where I draw the line. I do not want to talk when I wake up. At all.

So, one of the ways I convince myself to rejoin the world is to ask myself every day before getting out of bed, "What do I have to look forward to today?" I need to choose just one thing that will make me happy. Usually that is quite easy; the first thing that pops into my head works. (For example, tonight is book club, perfect). But other times, I have to put some effort into choosing. Maybe I plan a trip to the library to get a new book or a special food to cook. It's enough to know there is going to be a little bit of pleasure coming my way to get me up and moving.

Constructive Reading Theory

Reading, originally uploaded by c8mills.

If you want to kill all desire to read, become an English major. I did not read a book for pleasure for at least five years after graduating. Then I discovered Alias Grace and Memoirs of a Geisha and was once again swept away into the beauty of other worlds.

One of the most important things I learned while I was in college was about the way we create these other worlds in our heads. Once you reach reading fluency, your mind no longer sees individual words, instead it makes pictures of what is happening in the story. Almost like a movie theater in your head. An author is a guide, steering the developments, but you are the one who adds all the nuance and emotion.

For example, if the author writes, “The young girl, dressed in red, marched up the stairs.” Your mind has thousands of variations to fill in. Is she 2 or 15? Outside or in? Is the dress fancy or tattered? It’s an amazing process because you don’t stop to think it out. It’s an automatic response based on previous experiences and emotions. And that was just a simple sentence, imagine how deeply you go in a novel full of complex characters and situations.

The premise of Constructive Reading Theory is that you a working in concert with the author to make this world seem real to you. They put together the framework and lead you through, but it is your job to fill the world with what is important to you. And the world you create will be completely unique, no matter how good an author is at details, they do not have your experiences. No one will have the exact same emotional responses to a story.

It’s something to think about.

Mantra

For the last few years, as I walk, drive, shower, clean, whatever, I repeat this phrase in my head over and over: I am young, I am strong, I am healthy and happy.

You can use it too—I won’t mind.

I am feeling especially strong and healthy right now because I beat the flu. Brad caught it on a plane two weeks ago. When he tested positive For Influenza B+ (first case in Reno), the doctor looked at me and said, "You live with him? You're going to get it too." But he prescribed for me what he called "prophylactic Tamiflu." One pill a day, for 7 days. The pharmacist said, "Is this doctor a friend of yours? Because this is not normal." I explained and she shrugged, but it worked. I disinfected the house, washed my hands constantly, and took my Tamiflu and I never got it.

focus

My one little word for the year, not a big resolution, not a life goal…just a little word. Focus, not only because I got a new camera for Christmas and want to learn all about what I can do with it, but also because I need to focus in my mind as well.

Focus on the good stuff. Focus on the important stuff. Focus on accomplishing what must be done, in order to get to the place where I can focus on what I want to do.

That’s my word…focus.

Happy Blogiversary

Well, exactly one year ago today, I woke up, turned on the laptop, and started this blog for absolutely no reason. What did I think that I had to say to the universe? Lots of the things that I thought I wanted to say, I’ve never got around to saying. I often type up whole pages and then they get sidestepped as other things come to the forefront.

“Your world will expand or contract in relation to your courage.” I read this quote and I get chills recognizing the deep truth of it. It took a lot of courage for me to put myself forward through my words and pictures. It gives me a voice without having to face strangers. It gives me a thrill every time someone says, “I read your blog.” Create and send it out into the world, without any attachments to what happens after that. I am offering myself to the unknown and who knows where that will lead. I am willing to see.

I get statistics on how many people view my blog. I am thrilled that I have so many new readers. That means not all of you are personal friends and family. I get hits from all around the world: India, Argentina, Mylasia, Sweden. It’s amazing. I don’t know how or why they come. And I doubt that they stay long, but it’s still cool. Also, I have loyal readers that return over and over: Des Moines IA, Hialeah FL, and Boucherville QC. I also have many in the Sacramento area that I can’t tell apart.

I realize that when I write my Grateful Friday posts, not all of it makes sense. Sometimes they are secret messages to particular people. Sometimes they are secret messages that only I understand. But they are really important to me, so try and figure them out or ignore them. At least it makes it more interesting than just writing the same thing every week.

I have purposely avoided putting my own picture on the blog. There are a few places where you can see my back or other obscured images of me. There is only one full face photo. Can you find it?

I have to say that this blog has added different dimensions, a fresh perspective. It forces me to examine aspects of my life, choose what to share, (and what not to share), and to write and photograph it in ways that make sense. I guess that I will soldier on….I hope that you’ll stick with me on the journey.

My Photo in Wikipedia

Dave Alvin, originally uploaded by c8mills.

I am thrilled to death! Yesterday someone named Bruce Andersen contacted me and said he was updating the Dave Alvin entry in Wikipedia. Could he have permission to use my photo from Flickr? Hell, yeah! So that's my picture that I took at Crystal Bay last month in the upper right corner.

About two months ago, I started a new group on Flickr for Dave Alvin. It's easy to do, just think of a category and you become administrator of a new group. Then I cruised around searching for good pictures of Dave and invited the photographers to add their photos to the group. Everyone is flattered that their picture is noticed, so they send it in. But of course, a guy looking for Dave Alvin pictures would look here first.

Once again, I find that by innocently sending things I love out into the world, unexpected good things come back to me. Please, please, find ways to share your passions. You never know what the cosmos might send back.

I Hate Halloween

Ever since high school, when I read Carrie, before anyone knew who Stephen King was, I have hated horror stuff. Shortly after I read the book, the movie came out and that iced it for me. After that final scene, (no, I mean the final, final scene with Amy Irving), I would never see another horror movie. I don’t understand why people group sex and violence into the same category; sex is a joyful act between two people and violence definitely isn’t. Why do some parents let young kids watch everyday violence on the news and in the movies, but turn off the love scenes? IT. DOES. NOT. MAKE. SENSE.

Anyway, I get the history of Halloween and I understand the traditional fun of letting little kids dress up and knock on doors for trick-or-treat, but this macabre obsession with dark, evil things disturbs me. If I had my way, our front porch would be decorated nicely with pumpkins, cornstalks, a lovely wreath for the door. But no, Brad wants the whole kit and caboodle. He spent $250 on strobe lights, and skulls that talk, and battery-operated eyeballs that peak out of the bushes. The worst part is the mask that oozes blood. I will spend Halloween evening in my bed with a good book and the door closed.

Homeless

I read that Reno has one of the worst records for helping their homeless population. That makes sense to me; Reno is sort of this reckless place, attracting with promises of riches and turning around and taking all that you have. They are trying to change things, but it’s an uphill battle. Their new plan is to ship them out. If a homeless person wants to go somewhere else, the police contact someone at the other end who promises to take care of them and then the city pays for them to leave.

One of the blogs that I read every day is 4th Street Blues by Andrew, a schizophrenic who spent a few years on the streets and now struggles to stay sober. I try to understand how he feels in his circumstances.

When I was at the Kate Wolf Festival earlier this year, I listened to Utah Phillips talking about the homeless in his hometown, Grass Valley, CA. He said that 80 percent of them are locals, from that area. When you’re down, you tend to go back to where you know. He estimates 800 people live in the hills around the town. His organization knows where all the camps are and they’ve visited them there on their own turf.

This group built a help center with showers, washing machines, computers. They have a bus that drives around to the camps to pick them up. They have to have an alcohol test before they can get on the bus. All of the churches in the area agree to cook meals for them, but here’s the catch: the church members have to sit down and share the meal with them. This means that the church members must look them in the eye and have a conversation. No dropping the food off and running away. I’m sure this tests their Christian souls, but it means a real connection is formed. Later when they run into each other in town, they are more inclined to be understanding and helpful.

What a wonderful, humane way of addressing the issue. Most of these people have real mental and physical problems that caused their homelessness. They need some compassion and understanding, not a quarter.

Grateful Friday

Hanging Berries, originally uploaded by c8mills.

Today I am 48. I think it’s important to acknowledge and accept this and look at my life the way it is today. I am so deeply grateful that…

I have a man who is kind and generous and loving. He says, “I love you” or “You’re beautiful” or “What can I get for you?” at least 14 times a day. This is not an exaggeration.

Both of my children have grown into responsible, lovely, cheerful adults. Not only that, but they have brought two dear people into our family…now we are six together.

My mother continues to live and thrive in the most joyful way and she’s coming to visit and she’s bringing friends!

This week we had a dinner for guests on a Wednesday night, just because. We had one long table on the lawn, three tiki torches making faces glow delightfully, and 12 people talking all at once. Evening like this one make me realize the joy in life.

I love my home and my yard and Reno. I am so lucky to be in this place at this time.

…and now I am off to my spa day!

Weekend Recap

So, now, I have a dilemma. I had another fabulous weekend, the kind that leaves you on Sunday evening with your heart expanded, all full and warm, resting comfortably against your rib cage. Yes, it truly was that good. So, do I tell you all about it, like I seem to do every Monday morning? Going on and on about where we went and who we saw and what we ate…blah, blah, blah.

When I started this blog, I specifically wanted it to be about YOU, not me. And it’s turned into too much about me. I am hoping that by telling you what we do, you’ll get inspired to do similar things too.

When I tell you about the fun we had at a spontaneous BBQ at Mike and Margie’s house (we sort of called them up and invited ourselves and friends), I hope that you’ll think about a few people you know that you could call for next Friday. If I tell you about a gorgeous outdoor wedding on a balmy Saturday afternoon, I wish that you would look for joy and the wonder of love at the next wedding you go to. If you look around you might even find something exceptional like the Drum, Dance and Didgeridoo Festival that we went to on Saturday night. And dancing barefoot in the grass on the shores of Lake Tahoe to Chris Cain is the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon that I can imagine. When was the last time that you danced, free and happy?

Make a promise to yourself to buy the local Friday paper and cruise around for unique things happening in your hometown. Does the museum have a new exhibit? Is the garden center giving free demonstrations? Is there an unusual festival happening in the next town? How about an antique show or flea market? There is always live music somewhere, often for free in a park. Just make an effort and plan some merriment into your life, don’t let the summer slip by, doing yard work and watching tv, get out there and make something fun happen before summer’s gone.

The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine Who You Want to Be.

-Neale Donald Walsch

Reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert for over two months, I’d find myself avoiding it for days on end. Maybe I was just not in the mood for reading, but more likely I was not feeling it. The problem seems to be her problems. While I understand being depressed after a divorce and the end of a passionate romance, she kept running and thinking and running and thinking. Over–ruminating.

My personal approach would have been so different. She was seeking answers from God, which is a worthy endeavor, but I hated how she had to struggle and fight and force herself to go through hell just for a small glimmer of hope. I would have actively pursued a new life, a new outlook, and as much joy as I could find. I would have stayed in Italy!

Ali Edwards has a new book coming out called Life Artist. Which means to me, enthusiastically taking charge of your life to live in the most creative ways you can. Searching out joy and beauty, like my header says. Doing what you can to make your life better, take care of yourself, filling your time with activities that make you happy. Not endlessly stewing about things in the past that you can’t change. Find ways to make the world a better place and yourself a better person. Vigorously creating YOU. I am so anxious to read what she has to say on the subject.

Grateful Friday

First, I am so grateful to have known Bill so well. He enriched our lives in so many ways, including being a great grandfather to my children. So many wonderful memories, family events and holidays.

Second, I am incredibly grateful to be home with my husband, at least for a few days. To wake up next to him in our own bed is a deeply felt joy that I have taken for granted in the past.

Next, I am grateful to my sister, Lisa and her husband, Wayne for once again offering their home to us. They have exceptional generosity in their hearts.

And last, I am grateful that I have good times to look forward to. Summer is here, with gorgeous weather, eating outside, and farmer's markets full of fresh veggies. Best of all, it's summer music festival season, with the first one coming up next weekend. yippee!

Old Fogey

Someone recently offered to give me a new cd of a band that I have never heard of. And I honestly thought to myself, “I don’t need anymore music. I have so much that if I never listen to anything new, I’ll be fine.”

Whoa, Stop! That scared the hell out of me. That kind of thinking created Classic Rock. I refuse to be doomed to being an old fogey. Bring it on! I’ll listen to anything new for the rest of my life. I’ll try to appreciate its style and message and I’ll incorporate new stuff into my listening repertoire as often as I can. The old stuff is certainly wonderful, but I’m going out of my way to find new stuff too. From this moment on….I swear.

Monthly Round-up

This morning I discovered Katie, The Scrapbook Lady through Ali Edwards. Last December Katie wrote about her monthly roundup. I really like the idea of introspection, looking back and reflecting on what is important in life. She also has great ideas about backing up your photo library, sharing photos with friends and family. This is good to do, whether or not you are a scrapbooker. I certainly can’t say that I am organized enough to do it every month. But possibly, every season when I look forward to what’s new and exciting in my life, I could also take a little time to look back.

What books and/or magazines did I read this month?

Amy gave me a subscription to Eating Well: Where Good Taste Meets Good Health. I have too many regular subscriptions to mention. Why do they all come on the same day? Finished Water for Elephants and The Thirteenth Tale this month.

What movies and/or tv shows did I watch this month?

Nada. Got a new Todd Snider DVD, but can’t make the DVD player work. I will watch it on my computer soon.

What special days did I celebrate and how?

Jan’s memorial was truly beautiful. Touching and special. We had a lovely party for her at Lisa and Wayne’s house. She would be very proud.

What gifts did I give and/or receive?

Friends and family were so generous with flowers at my mother-in-law’s memorial. We received many cards from our newest China friends. Amy brought us chocolate macadamia nuts, Lilikoi jelly and a photo from Hawaii. I gave Olivia a Girl Scout scrapbook for her ninth birthday.

What illnesses or health concerns did I have?

I am massively worried about Bill and Ann and all of their health problems. I wish there was a better way to help them through these difficult times. Personally, I am dealing with this stupid tooth that needs a root canal.

What fun things did I do with my friends and/or family?

Had a great party at my mom’s house with all of our new China friends. My sister, Lisa and her girls came to stay a few nights. I got to go walking with my mom’s walking club, The Solemates. Saw a dear friend from high school. Jackie Greene’s performance at Crystal Bay was exceptional.

What new foods, recipes or restaurants did I try this month?

While Brad was gone, I made carrot raisin salad, couscous salad, beets, and a Thai peanut noodle dish, that I just kept in the frig and ate little bits of whenever I was hungry instead of making meals. That worked out well, until it ran out and I didn’t want to go to the store and ate cinnamon toast for dinner one night and peanut butter crackers the next night. I made chicken parmesan (a rare occurrence) when Brad came home. And he made our favorite spinach/basil salad on Monday night.

What special or unusual purchases did I make?

Comfy Born sandals for summer. Frames for my China pictures on my bedroom wall. Todd Snider DVD and new CD too: Peace, Love, and Anarchy: Rarities, B-Sides, and Demos. (Yes, I know that I’m obsessed. You don’t have to remind me).

What were this month's disappointments?

This was a difficult month. Bill’s health is getting worse and worse. There seems to be no answers. Jan made her decision to die so suddenly, we were taken by surprise. And then it happened so quickly, we didn’t have much time to grasp it. We planned to go to Bodega Bay for a week and actually spent one night and part of a day there before being called home. I’m sorry that Brad missed out on his annual vacation. He looks forward to it so much.

What were my accomplishments this month?

Finished the China album in record time and got many wonderful compliments on it. Wrote a lovely obituary and biography of Jan’s life to be read at her service.

Anything else noteworthy to record?

• Amy and Ty spent most of the month in Hawaii.
• Jeremy and Dawn didn’t get their passports in time for their Cabo trip, so they went to San Diego instead.
  
• Brad’s sisters, Sherrie and Vickie, are working so hard to keep this altogether.
  
• The implications and complications of death and illness: Medicare, Social Security, lawyers, notaries, IRA’s, convalescence homes, doctors and hospitals, endless medical tests that turn up negative over and over. It’s too much. Human life is so very frail.

Planet SARK

I found the colorful, encouraging world of SARK years ago. At the time she had published several books that suddenly hit me full force when I really needed comfort in my life. I’m not sure which book I read first, Succulent Wild Women, Eat Mangoes Naked, or The Bodacious Book of Succulence. Once I discovered her writings, I devoured all of them in rapid succession.

These are not your typical self-help books, although that’s the section you’ll find them in. Every page is brimming with handwritten confirmation of the joy and love in the world. She also addresses tough subjects like procrastination, self doubt, fear. She was sexually abused as a child and knows the hard work of coming to terms with yourself. Her way is gentle, joyful and understanding. It is like having a wild, but supportive, friend on the page.

I am currently reading Make Your Creative Dreams Real, the kind of book that you don’t read from front to back, you dip into it and find a page that speaks to your heart. She has many books, posters, and a website where you can go to get a taste of Planet SARK.